I recently got back from my first tour with HOLYCHILD. It was a rollercoaster. It was a time warp. It was a dream—but it was also a different dream than I thought it would be.

Prepping for tour was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done in my life. As an independent artist, I was doing everything myself—booking places to stay, travel between cities, making merch, advancing venues… the list goes on. There were several times throughout the process where I broke down & enlisted friends to help. I had to emotionally prepare as well—I had a burning sense of imposter syndrome, thinking “why me?” and “am I good enough?”

I was the boss—if things went right, it was because of me, and if things went wrong, it was also because of me.

With that, I dove into the thing I wanted the most, but also the thing that scared me the most—the unknown.

The west coast leg was much easier—I was with my photographer who is one of my best friends, and a bunch of people that I knew. Nerve-racking still playing in new cities, but I felt supported and ready to navigate the newness.

Stuff went wrong—even the first night of tour, which sold out. There is a point where you have to surrender and say “I’ve done everything I possibly can to prepare, and now whatever happens is out of my control.” And to enjoy every fucking second. Which I did. I felt the nervousness, the rush, the love throughout every cell in my body. Shows make you feel present, and thank god for that. We all need things that snap us into the present moment.

Music is bigger than just the artist though. It always has been and always will be. Music is about connection. Through the condensed time period jam packed with shows, I started learning that concerts & art in general really is the glue among humans—helping us unpack this crazy shared experience of life.

On the road, you start thinking about your life as whole—which happens to most of us when we travel at all. This was different though. Because it’s so connected to my career, I started contemplating all the things I want out of life, and getting perspective about if the life I was living back in LA was everything that I wanted. I came to some very important conclusions out there, having lots of time to reflect and realizing that my life can be anything I want it to be.

Another crazy thing about being on the road is that you’re never alone. One of the biggest pieces of advice I got from my friend before I left was “take space when you need it.” You don’t have to go with everyone to every restaurant, and it’s ok to put on your headphones in the car and create a little bubble for yourself. I used that—but it was still hard. I didn’t realize how much I would miss alone time. On the other hand, it’s easy to feel lonely even when you’re not alone.

That was a serious hurtle mid-east coast leg that I had to get over. I began to feel lonely and homesick. But then, I met up with this amazing photographer in NYC who I really vibed with. We were laughing & having so much fun—and that’s when I realized what was wrong. It’s that I wasn’t fully vibing with everyone on my tour team. And that’s ok—once I realized what was going on, I was able to let it go and enjoy myself, as well as focus on the people that I do get along with really well on my team. Once I got over that hump, I was in. I was addicted to tour. And I didn’t want it to end.

Something that I kept hearing about was “post-tour depression” and to be really careful when I get back to LA. However, a really big focus in my life recently has been to soak in my accomplishments, and let them become part of my physical & spiritual being. And I feel like I did that with this tour. I got back and feel more independent and confident than ever. So thank you, tour ☺

Although this was my first time touring, I felt like I knew what I was doing. I felt like I fit in—and that I was so happy to live my life constantly at venues with blaring music, stage lights, buzzing energy, and smiling faces. Happy to sing with a crowd, share my message, and dance out all my insecurities every night. Happy to be myself and do what I love most in the world. There are certainly challenges to touring—but there are challenges to everything in life. And this is the life I want to be living. I’m sure of that now.

Meeting fans and new people in every city was so inspiring. Realizing we’re all the same—we’re all deeply affected by music and artists sharing their deepest emotions. We all want to have a good time, work through our issues, or sometimes just escape them. And that’s so beautiful. And messy. And human.

- Holander

Touring - an open letter by Holander