Bree's open letter
Dear mental health,
Ever since I was a child I can remember my battle with this “friend” that has shared a room in my mind that is my depression and anxiety. She became a part of me as I grew up and slowly destroyed me and my happiness, yet she would disguise herself as my “friend” and make me feel comforted by her presence.
I let her consume me because I didn’t know any better - I didn’t know what or who I was dealing with. I let her eat me alive and isolate me from people who cared about me. She wanted me to be alone and miserable, she thrived on it. She made me feel constantly not good enough, not skinny enough, not pretty enough, not successful enough, not smart enough - never enough. She was the voice in my head screaming those things at me every single day making me feel trapped in my own body with no way out.
On top of dealing with this “friend”, I was also badly bullied all through school and the bullying only validated my “friend” and her words. Kids would make fun of me for my weight and appearance, the clothes I wore and would say that I couldn’t sing (when all I wanted since I was a little girl was to be a singer-songwriter). The kids would beat me down all day but at least I could escape them when I was home but my “friend” was with me always.
As I went through my childhood years dealing with this “friend” that I carried with me, and the bullying at school, I isolated myself more and more turning inwards like a turtle inside my shell - hiding away from the world. I was made to be afraid to be myself because I felt like myself wasn’t good enough - she wasn’t worthy. I was shy and timid and deeply insecure and my “friend” liked it that way. I was constantly paranoid about people’s intentions towards me and concerned about what people thought of me and assumed the worst - always. I became increasingly negative and miserable and bitter and had no idea that I was feeding my “friend” by being this way.
I developed a fear of abandonment, constantly believing that people didn’t want to be around me or secretly hated me and that they would all leave me eventually. These were the lies my “friend” whispered to me and made me believe but really, it was my “friend’s” influence that was pushing people away and making them leave. No one wants to be around a miserable and negative person who essentially hates them-self.
My moods were unstable and unpredictable. I was consumed by comparison to others to further feed this thought of not being “good enough”. I was hungry for love and affection, longing for someone to save me from this “friend” and these feelings that were slowly killing me from the inside out. I wished and prayed that someone would notice how miserable I was and that I was silently crying out for help - but no one ever did.
My depression and anxiety took over my life. I hated myself. My mind was completely skewed and I truly believed I was worthless, unlovable and that I would die alone. I started starving myself at 13 because I had been made to believe I was fat by my peers as well as my “friend”. I believed that no man would ever love me the way I looked until I lost weight and was skinnier. I believed that I couldn’t perform and sing in front of an audience until I was skinnier, that I couldn’t be successful. I kept diaries (that I still have to this day) and was obsessed with my body image and weight, yet no matter what I did I was always miserable. No matter what size I was, it was never enough and I always wanted to be thinner. I struggled with binge eating my feelings away and then would hate myself even more and cry myself to sleep at night. It was a vicious cycle.
I also turned to self harm when I was 14. I started by punching and bruising myself and then turned to cutting when I was 15. I would hide my marks from the world but secretly wished someone would notice and reach out - but no one ever did which kept the vicious cycle going and the entire time my “friend” was happy, thriving and growing inside my mind.
I hit my lowest point at 17, I had gained 30lbs, was self-harming all the time - I was miserable. A group of girl’s and a guy from my high school hacked all my accounts and stole my online identity trying to get me to leave my high school, all whilst pretending to be my friends. I began skipping school and would fake being sick so I could stay home and escape facing people and the world. I now know that it was my anxiety and depression taking over my life but back then I didn’t know why I was feeling the way that I was.
I was deeply suicidal most of my teen years, yet something inside me wouldn’t let me give up. I kept fighting. I poured all my emotions into my writing and my music. I was terrified to actually perform because of my insecurities and my “friend” reminding me that I wasn’t good enough - so I kept to singing in my bedroom in my own little world.
My true friends were music and books growing up. I was constantly reading, escaping into other world’s that I saw as better than mine (usually fantasy world’s like Harry Potter) and that gave me a break from my life and that “friend” inside my head. Music and songwriting were my emotional outlets - a way for me to channel all these feelings, and music is what saved me. Music, and my dog Aria that I bought myself when I was 17 during this low point in my life.
Ironically, 17 is when I started turning my life around and started fighting against my “friend”. A few months before I turned 18, I had an epiphany moment that started my journey to recovery, my journey to where I am now. I don’t know if it was God or Angels or the Universe, but one day, sitting on the couch (no idea what I was doing - probably reading a book or watching TV) something just clicked inside my head and I decided that I needed to be the one to save myself. I just knew that something had to change and that something started with me. That I would never be truly happy, that I would probably die if I continued down the path I was on, if I didn’t start fixing myself and putting myself back together.
So I did. I knew I needed to start somewhere, so I started outside-in. I started going to the gym 5 days a week, aiming to lose weight for prom because I truly believed that if I was skinny that more people would like me and that I would finally be worthy. I have long since learned that this belief is not true and that our appearance does NOT define us. Something that I still struggle with to this day, but I’m working on it and I know that the “voice” is wrong and I fight it - pushing it to the back of my mind.
Shortly along this weight loss journey, I got Aria. I searched and found her online and she became the light of my life. This tiny chihuahua needed me and gave me the unconditional love that I craved. She kept me going and helped me learn to love myself. I learned that I needed to turn inwards and focus on healing my mind and changing my thoughts to battle that “friend” that had become a part of me.
I found meditation and yoga and I bonded with a yoga instructor who helped and inspired me. I started realizing that the harder I worked to heal myself, to change my mindset, the more positivity I would attract into my life. I started believing in and seeing the laws of attraction actually manifesting in my life. I went from being an extremely negative and depressed person to adapting a new way of living that was proving successful and beneficial to me and my mental health. My “friend” hated this but I kept fighting. Something inside me kept me going, even when I would have a relapse (and I had quite a few thanks to toxic relationships, heartbreak, rejection, failure etc.) I would pick myself back up and fight.
Music became my best friend, my saviour. I started to realize that I COULD make this dream of mine a reality and that I DID have talent. I started eliminating toxic people from my life and learning to be okay with letting go and watching people leave, despite my abandonment issues and my “friend” taunting me in the back of my mind. I started working towards making a music career happen for myself and conquering my fears and insecurities. I starting finding myself surrounded by supportive and loving people who added to my life in positive ways, who wouldn’t leave me.
The biggest turning point was that I started to ask for help. After years of up’s and down’s, working towards healing and saving myself and after several relapses - I was exhausted. Through some kind of miracle, I managed to get myself into therapy. I say miracle because my therapist has truly changed my life and I owe so much of where I am currently in my mental health journey to her. Therapy opened up a world of knowledge and insight into my mental health and gave me answers to SO many questions that I’d had my entire life. I realized that there was a reason for why I was feeling the way I was feeling and that it was normal for ME and that was okay. That it was okay to not be okay sometimes but as long as I was working through it and making an effort to battle it and improve myself and my life, that I could conquer this.
So I work at it every single day. Every day is different for me and some day’s are easier than others but I never give up - I keep going. I have learned that self-care is essential to mental health, so I have learned to prioritize myself. I have come out of my shell over the years and have realized that I am best being unapologetically and authentically myself. I have conquered my fear of performing my music in front of others and have built a growing music career. I have gained the strength and confidence to realize that I can build a brand and a business. I realized that my music is not only my creative and emotional outlet but is my platform for change. I have become very open about my struggle with depression and anxiety and my mental health journey knowing that it could help save someone or give someone hope if they’re going through a similar journey as mine. I have become an advocate for the mental health movement and have a dream for a foundation that I want to create once I have a big enough platform through my identity as a singer-songwriter.
I believe that I have gone through all of this (and more) for a reason. That all of this was for a greater purpose. I have embraced my struggles and I have embraced my “friend” but I won’t ever let her win and take up such a large space in my mind again and hopefully one day she’ll be gone from me forever. I have found the silver lining in all the darkness that I have endured and am working towards a new beginning. I know that it may seem like there is no light at the end of the tunnel and that the road might be hard right now but I encourage people to not give up, to keep fighting. I have fought my way through the war zone and the war may not be completely over but I keep fighting and you should too.
ESSENTIALS THAT SAVE ME:
Yoga
Meditation
Books
Music
Essential oils
Therapy
My Dog
Writing/Journaling
- Bree