ps: fuck mean people :)

Dear mental health,

I think I've always lived with mental health issues. But I wasn't aware of it until recently.

I grew up feeling hated and unloved - mostly from my family. I always felt I didn't belong anywhere and felt like the whole world hated me for being born or for being me. 

And the thing is I've always had a lot of love to give, but I rarely received real love in return. So I would pretend to be okay and hid all my emotions inside for a very long time. From time to time, I would lock myself in my room for hours and cry. I would stay there until it was okay for me to feel okay again, until I could breathe again. I spent a lot of time in my room, writing about my feelings, hating myself and everybody, listening to music that made me feel understood and accepted and loved. Music surely made me feel less alone. God made me feel less alone. But most of the time, I felt all alone and empty - and I still feel empty from time to time.

I know it comes from all the things that people used to say to me.

These same people would say things like "you're stupid", "you're nothing" or "I never loved you" or "you're ugly", "you're a bad person" over and over again. So I started to believe in all these things. I started to believe I was nothing and ugly and stupid.

I never really talked about my emotions. I always kept everything to myself. But last year changed. After an amazing trip to Los Angeles, I came back home and visited my family. I already felt anxious because I knew people would judge me for having a different life and for choosing an "uncommon" path, and for simply being happy. But someone I loved and cared about decided to say the worst things to me. These 15 minutes ruined me. I felt like all my demons, my insecurities and anxiety and depression came back to me at once. I am not going to go into details but this moment was probably the second worst moment of my entire life. I felt like I went back to my childhood - went to my room, cried all night and could barely breathe. I thought of leaving this life and disappear. I mean what was the point of living? I thought I couldn't survive this. I didn't want to feel anymore. The next day was even worse. I spent the day sitting on the floor and cried every minute. Despite everything, I pretended everything was okay but clearly, nothing was okay.

That moment changed everything. It hurt me so much I could barely sleep at night and I would have mini panic attacks. 

I've always felt anxious and and sometimes depressed but I didn't understand why. Now that I am aware of that, I am doing my best to work on myself and take care of my health. The thing is.. I feel so much. When I'm happy, I'm the happiest, and when I'm sad, it's the worst. 

As I've been learning to balance my feelings properly, I am also learning to love myself. I felt unloved for so long I didn't know how to love myself. I am learning to be happy, everywhere I go. I am learning to love life and people around me, even those who treat me badly. I've learned to forgive. I am not afraid to be myself anymore. And I have to thank my dearest friends for being there for me. Through my ups and downs. I wouldn’t be much without them.

Feeling unloved and hated for who you are are some of the worst feelings ever and I don't want anyone to feel that. That is why I am doing my best to help people. 

It is not always easy. There are times where I feel like no one gives a shit about me. There are times where I feel completely useless and unimportant. Sometimes I choose to stay by myself for days and decide to avoid people, even friends, because I’m afraid to be hurt again.

But it's getting easier everyday. Learning to love myself is by far my biggest struggle. What's crazy is that this whole project is helping me feel less alone - because we all go through some stuff and we all somehow make it through. Reading your stories is helping me and I am sure you are helping other people.

I am not alone.

You are not alone. 

No one is. 

ps: fuck mean people :)

V.