Brittan's open letter
Dear Mental Health,
What we were supposed to be....
Masculine. Feminine. Unemotional. Practical. Safe. Logical. Holy. Traditional. Put-together. On the Grind. Submissive. Assimilative. Keeping to the Status Quo. Fitting-in. Should. Should. Should.
All the qualities that ran through my head, as 14-year old me ran down that dirt road in Kansas. My stomach was rolling and my head was spinning. It wasn’t physical exhaustion but definitely a mixture of emotional and mental exhaustion. I’d had this fight a million times in my brain but this time it was different. There was a voice inside of me that spoke clearly and was unwaveringly, exclaiming the truth. “I’m gay.”
I said this inside my head and then proceeded into my early twenties and halfway through college without saying out loud. This voice spoke the truth. The voice said I could be my weird creative self and build meaningful connections. The voice said I could pursue music instead of the business degree I was being told was practical and the logical move. Unfortunately, this voice was battling two adversaries that were much louder and more present: depression and anxiety (D&A).
My two buds D&A said the people that called me a f*ggot were right and that I couldn’t let those people be right so I needed to supress my feelings. D&A said that I could sing but I couldn’t really go follow my passion in music so I needed to suppress my voice and settle for a life not meant for me with a white picket fence. D&A said everyone hated me and that I couldn’t make it through this so I should suppress my physical presence and isolate myself. I was unholy, fallen from grace, and playing with dangerous things.
They were doing a wonderful job of convincing me too. They spoke in all the languages that were being affirmed by society. Fit in. Don’t be weird. Don’t be different. And teenage/young-twenties me couldn’t figure out how to fit in, not be weird or different. The cognitive dissonance that flowed from that disconnect drove me deeper into depression and anxieties’ arms. I was becoming an embodiment of them.
Isolation and anger became my new tools for coping. I would be left immobilized in bed wondering when the loneliness and anger would pass. I’d pray that I could be a different person because I didn’t want to be this “messed up” or “evil.” My mind wandered to darker places and explored thoughts that drained me of all energy. I wanted to thrive so badly, overcome the negative perceptions and not just be my depression and anxiety. I’d find slight breaks from this melancholy state when I would write music, play video games, or act on the stage but then D&A would convince me that these environments are temporary. These weren’t places I could stay.
The breaking point came shortly before I turned 21. I had almost come out multiple times but was always so terrified and D&A assured me that I most certainly could not do it. The voice inside me was so sick of being silenced by depression and anxiety and the pressure of assimilating to this inauthentic version of myself. Through a dramatic turn of events (That are a whole story of their own), I found myself standing in front of my peers finally speaking up for that young boy running down that dirt road.
For once I felt what it was like to be in alignment with a part of who I really was. Suddenly, I was able to start owning other aspects of myself. I embraced my feminine and masculine energy - liking World of Warcraft and gushing over pugs. And perhaps, most important of all, my passion for expression and community-building through music. Looking back, I wish I stood up as that young 14-year old boy and claimed that voice instead of claiming the depression and anxiety but I know that the tribulations helped me grow.
To be honest, there wasn’t some momentous overcome for my depression and anxiety. I noticed that they were around less when I was around people who truly embraced me and loved me at my core and I did the same. I noticed I felt both less when I was following my truth and fighting for what I believed in.
To build on the momentum, I made a big, risky move to really distance myself from D&A. I moved from Kansas to Los Angeles. D&A sat in the backseat jabbering on the whole time, giving me panic attacks, and making me shake at the wheel. However, that voice inside me had been getting louder, standing up to them and questioning their motives. “Actually, I could do this.” “It’s a first step, I don’t need to know how it will work out yet.”
My dad always told me “You don’t need to save the world overnight”, take things day by day and so I did. I began taking acting classes. Writing, producing, and recording music. Living in all sorts of non-traditional housing. Meditating. Believing I could achieve my mission of building community and connection through music in my own unique, artistic way. And reckoning with my spiritual beliefs.
As I grew in all these ways, the voice inside started to be the one I spoke with and I began to evolve into the person I am today who is much more in charge of their direction and feelings. Sure, my old “friends”, depression and anxiety, still visit but I find that they act more as guides now to notify me that I’m focusing too much on what others say I’m supposed to be versus my mission and who I am at my core.
I hope as society progresses we start to see the word “should” removed from our vocabulary and that we are able to overcome what we were “supposed” to be. I hope that we can open up more about our experiences with depression, anxiety, and all other forms of mental health. I hope that we can accept and love each other for exactly who we are.
- Brittan