"Bigger", an open letter by J4
Being a student is hard.
The stress of school. The worries of “fitting in”. The fear of disappointing your friends and family. These feelings are overwhelming. We strive our best in whatever we do, whether it's sports, academics, music, or art. We work for the approval of parents, teachers and administrators, while also trying to look "cool" to the other kids around us who are doing the same thing. School was never made to be easy. But when you take something that is already difficult and add something as traumatic as bullying, it can make things insurmountable. I know this feeling all too well. It may have been a few years ago, but it seems like just yesterday that I went through those same things that you are going through now. I am telling my story so that you know that YOU are not alone, and that there is something far "Bigger" than you ever could imagine waiting for you out there!
In seventh grade, I got very interested in music. I had taken piano lessons since I was 6, but I never had participated in anything beyond choir and band. However, I was offered a dream role of mine as the lead in the middle school musical: playing Sky Masterson in Guys and Dolls. I was excited beyond belief and put my heart and soul into the role.
Yet, being at a middle school where sports were king and where being skinny was the only acceptable body image, I always felt left out. I was always the last kid picked for kickball, which I joked about behind a porcelain smile. I was always the last to get a partner for in class projects, if I even got one at all. I simply got used to being alone. It was here when it all started with social isolation: being pushed out of others' activities because I was the guy who was into music and did nothing sports related. I was frequently subjected to homophobic slurs of "you're so gay because you're in the musical”. It hurts looking back on those negative stereotypes now, and I have empathy for those who deal with it on a daily basis.
However, I did have close friends to whom I confided my feelings and insecurities. After all, it's just people playing around; no one would actually judge me or hurt me for being in music. Right? I put my all into musical theater, and soon found myself taking voice lessons, and spending more time at the piano. I loved singing because it gave me a way to express myself and those negative feelings that I constantly had to deal with.
Then came eighth grade came and so did another undeniable descent into a personal experience with bullying. The slurs turned into insults, then threats, and eventually into action. Rather than simply making fun of me for music, I was criticized about my weight and my lack of sports ability. Other kids began threatening to rip pages of lyrics I wrote, mocking my voice, and shaming me for doing what I loved. But even through these hurtful things, it remained only emotional and verbal; I had not yet experienced any physical bullying.
I worked hard to receive the lead in the musical Music Man that next year, even performing a full bell hop while wearing a walking boot on a broken ankle! (all of you musical theater nerds know what's up) When I found out I had made the role, I was so excited, but I avoided the mob of people looking at the cast list because I was afraid of what the other kids might say or do to me. I rushed to my parent's car to tell them the awesome news. It wasn't until that night that my high would come crashing down.
I was scrolling through Facebook that night when I came across a page with my face on it. I was very curious, and so I opened it to find "The official hate page for ******* Middle School and J4." One of the people who was angry that I got the lead role in the musical twice in a row had gotten a group of people together and designed a page simply for trash talking me and the school. On this page were so many people saying extremely hurtful things, threatening the school teachers and me, and even using words I had not heard before. Growing up as a Baptist-raised Christian, I never had heard a single curse word in my life. That night I learned all of them. Many people may think cyber-bullying is not as hurtful and relevant as its real life counterpart, but it is the bullying that follows you home, sleeps with you at night, and never leaves your side. Cyber-bullying doesn’t stop just because of COVID. After finding out, my parents and I forwarded the page to the school. The bullies were all removed from the musical, put into in-school-suspension, and I was free to be me. Or was I? Even though the page was gone, the feelings still remained. The hatred stuck with me.
That same year, a boy from northern Buffalo at a different high school who had been struggling with his sexual identity committed suicide due to bullying. This hit me hard as I didn't realize that other people were going through what I was and to an even harder and more severe extent. Though I have never been gay myself, I find that to ridicule someone simply because of who they choose to love is just incredibly wrong. In order to speak out for him, in whatever little way I could, I wrote a song called "NOH8." I submitted it to the National PTA music competition, and it ended up winning a National Award of Excellence. However, the award meant nothing compared to being asked to come to that high school and perform “NOH8” for the school and the family who had lost their son. It was a chilling moment, and I will always remember their faces as if it was yesterday.
Now off to high school! I was confident that I would leave all of this silly bullying behind me. I started focusing on my academics and even more on my music. But nothing had changed. The social isolation still pervaded my life. Two kids in particular began tormenting me again. One stuck to insults and slurs, and the other began to shove me into lockers, throw pencils at me in class like darts, and quite often threaten to hurt me. My parents and I spoke to multiple teachers and counselors about the issue. Nothing changed. I even filed an official document with the school explaining what had gone on. Nothing. The physical torments and social alienation still continued.
One day, I had decided I had enough. I was tired of being made fun of for following my love of music. I was tired of hearing the constant mocking of my weight. I was done with the unfounded homophobic slurs that followed me around. As my bully came to shove me in the locker once again after school, I felt years of suppressed anger and frustration come to the surface. I grabbed his arm and swung him around putting him up against the wall. I looked straight into his eyes and said, "If you ever do this to me again, I will not hesitate to retaliate." He walked away laughing to go tell all his friends. But from that day on, he never spoke to me, nor touched me again! It took me finally standing up for myself and saying "enough" for this torment to stop.
When my family eventually moved to Tennessee in the middle of high school and I subsequently enrolled at Belmont University, I found a clean slate, void of all of the hatred. I could finally be me. I could be friends with the alto section leader, and still be best friends with our team’s quarterback. I could sing, perform, and be myself. And the music that I was so passionate about when I was younger led me to a career in music that I would not trade for anything. I had found something "bigger."
For anyone who is going through this I know it is hard. I know it may seem like there is no way out like you are trapped in a never ending nightmare that won't end. But know that one day, whether it is now or later, this will end. Don't let others dictate your desires and passions, what you should love, and especially who you should love. Follow what you are passionate about, and let it lead you away from those situations. Sometimes, simply turning the other cheek and not giving the bullies the satisfaction of your hurt is what you need to stop them. Other times, if it grows to the point it did for me, stand up for yourself in whatever way you can whether it's speaking to a teacher or speaking out. You are not alone. There are others in your shoes who are feeling what you are feeling, and you should know that there is always someone you can talk to about it.
And never forget, there is something "Bigger" out there for you, far greater than you could ever imagine.
You are worthy and loved, never forget that.
-J4