"Outsider", an open letter by Kayla Cariaga
No.
The word “no” is an answer I’ve been given quite frequently throughout my career. Rarely is it even followed by an explanation of why—it is just a term given, to end the conversation abruptly and to force me to move on.
At 17, I realized that I was growing up as an individual. I was a senior in high school that craved change and was attempting to break away from the beliefs that I’d been taught throughout my life. Every decision made was followed by a series of doubts and questions. Embedded in my brain, I felt the need to comply with the standards of perfection and placed others' happiness before mine.
Exhausted and drained, I didn’t feel like I was really living my life. I loved making people happy, but didn’t realize that I practically neglected my own happiness for the sake of others. At this point, I was fed up. Growing up is scary, but I realized that in a couple of months I'll be moving onto my next chapter in life. I couldn’t allow any setbacks to keep me from pursuing what made me happy. In the end, it was my life and only I should decide what I want to do with it.
However, it isn’t easy to break away and become your own person. People will do anything to make you think otherwise. Often, I would be hit with the worst-case scenarios after addressing a decision and would be shut down when having a belief that differed from others. Misunderstood and defeated, I craved the comfort of being myself—without worrying what others thought. I craved the freedom of making my own decisions, and burning inside of me was a woman begging to be set free.
During such times, music was my outlet for expression. I was frustrated, depleted, and spent from bottling up my emotions. It felt liberating to write out the thoughts swirling in my head and was therapeutic to finally release the emotions. I constantly felt like I was outside looking within and felt isolated because I didn’t have anyone to relate to. I was dealing with this weight of standards/beliefs on my shoulders and was enormously conflicted. Of course I wanted to pursue what made me happy, but the ideals that I’d been taught for so long crept up on me.
‘Outsider’ was written when I was fed up with all the obstacles that prevented me from becoming my true self. I had the title in the notes of my phone and related strongly to the term. I didn’t believe that I fit into any group and was thought to have little chance of succession—if continuing with my decisions. At the time, I felt utterly defeated and began ranting as I was writing the lyrics. However, I then realized that there could be perks to being an outsider. When you’re an outsider, you can have a sense of independence. You don’t need to worry about what people think because you aren’t in any group—you can be yourself. If anything, I believe that being an outsider should be embraced because no one is forcing you into fitting any ideals or standards.
I’ve had this song in the vault for almost two years now and was held back from releasing it because of the disagreements with my artistic decisions. From the composition to the artwork, I was insecure because I was told it wasn’t ideal or perfect in the eyes of others. For me, this song indicated a step towards being vocal and taking my art into the direction I pictured. Breaking away from the standards I’ve been given throughout my life isn’t easy. It's a long process, but every step counts. As I release this song that my 17-year-old self wrote, I hope that it inspires people to be vocal and be proud of who they are.
- Kayla Cariaga