Mary's open letter
Photo credit: Brooke Greenberg Photography
Dear Mental Health,
I think I owe you an apology.
From a young age, I began collecting and proudly wearing the labels “warm”, “sunny”, and “easy-going”. I was an easy baby, a ruthlessly kind child, a nerdy and accepting teenager, and a determined young adult. I was awarded for ignoring my own needs to put others before myself. My ego began clinging to that hero narrative. If I was not a light for other people, I believed I was nothing at all.
And that worked for while – I loved that I had no boundaries. I wanted to be seen as stretched so thin but still getting it all done with a sunny demeanor. But then I lost sleep, stopped exercising, stopped eating nutritiously – every moment I was in, I was just wondering when it would end so I could move to the next thing. I heard my heart crack as I fake smiled when turning around as someone asked for help on “just one more thing”. I was tired, dim, and exhausted. Anxiety and insomnia filled my days and nights. And still, I was unwilling to learn to say “no” because my identity had become saying “yes”.
And then the global pandemic hits, and I can’t leave my house. For the first time since I was 14, I start to sleep for 8 hours. I learn how to cook meals that are good for me. I begin exercising every day. I can’t say yes to anything, so I fill my days with songwriting, singing, and laughing with my roommates.
Two months into the quarantine, I turn to my roommate and say “for the first time in a long time, I feel like I have a light inside me again.”
So, Mental Health, I am sorry that I let my pride in being kind to others mean I completely ignored you. Taking care of myself seemed so selfish for so long, and looking back now, I realize how my behaviors led to my most anxious and depressed moments. In the future, I want to be more in tune with you. I am scared - when we revert to normal life, will I revert to my old patterns? I’m not sure I have fully mastered how to say “no”, but I am now aware that I need to start saying it more often.
Thank you for your patience while I keep figuring this out,
Mary