October 10th
I’ve been trying to take care of my mental health for many many years but 2021 is the year I really decided to do the work.
It took me a minute to understand what it was to really take the time to take care of myself, until I got diagnosed with Graves' disease. I was frustrated, sad and depressed about this diagnosis, but today I'm taking it as a blessing. I have no excuses this time, I have to take care of myself.
I've always suffered from chronic stress and anxiety but I only started being aware of it a couple of years ago. I somehow managed to live with it and I pretty much buried all these emotions. I thought I had everything under control, but that was a lie. I was only pretending to be okay. My body was showing signs of chronic stress and anxiety, such as compressed chest and difficulties to breathe on a daily basis, but I still didn’t want to take it seriously.
But things changed when I learned I was sick. I decided to do everything I could to heal so I went to see a few health specialists that worked on the root causes of my disease. I learned the hardest truth: I never got to heal from my emotional traumas. I thought I was doing better, but I was wrong. It was very hard for me to learn this about me. While talking to these specialists, the same things kept coming back: feeling unloved and unappreciated, feeling of fear of failure, fear of abandonment and rejection. Hyper-sensitive and very empathetic. It all started at an early age with my family. I won't go into details here because I already wrote about it, but let's just say that my family is the main reason why my stress and anxiety became so important in my life. They knew how to bring me down and say negative things to my face on a daily basis. It never stopped. It made me feel very anxious, stressed, depressed, alone and insecure. I wasn't really aware of what was going on when I was younger but I remember I often felt sad and spent a lot of time on my own because I felt like no one gave a shit about me. I thought I was stupid and not normal. People’s opinions became too important, and I got to go through all these emotions on my own without even understanding them.
My hyper-sensitivity and my empathy came later on. I think it started early in my twenties. In my head, I was like “I don’t want anyone to feel what I felt. I don’t want anyone to feel like they’re all alone”. That’s how it started. I care so much about people I can tell when they’re going through something. And if someone I care about is going through a difficult time, I would think about it day and night, and it would sometimes consume me. Being empathetic is a good thing, but being very empathetic can sometimes be a bad thing. I feel too much, I love too much, I care too much, I help people too much, I get emotional very easily, I give too much, I am too kind, way too kind. There are times where I wish I wasn’t like that. Sometimes I wish I was a complete jerk to people. And sometimes I wish I didn’t have all these emotions. But most of the time, I think that being hyper-sensitive and empathetic is pretty awesome. At least, I have emotions. At least I care about people. At least I’m human.
Knowing that I didn't heal from all these traumas made me fucking sad. I cried after each session and it made me realize all the shit I've been through. Understanding this was very difficult, but I know it is also part of my healing process.
I've been learning a lot about myself these past few months. I learned that in order to heal your physical body, you had to heal your mind. This is what I've been doing since May. There were some very difficult moments - moments where I hated myself, moments where I wanted to die, moments where I felt completely alone, moments where I felt exhausted. But I've been feeling good and motivated most of the time. Yoga changed my life. Breathing exercices and meditation changed me. I've also been taking natural pills for stress and anxiety, such as lemon balm herb and hawthorn plant. I changed my diet. I am using more organic products. I take long walks outside. I am learning how to control my thoughts and my mind. I am learning to be kind to myself. Noticing, accepting and welcoming the negative thoughts instead of trying so hard to reject them is also something I am learning to do. I was wondering why people would say “notice how you feel, welcome these feelings, and let go”. I realized I’ve been spending most of my life ignoring my emotions. Now that I understood that, I am starting to control my thoughts better.
Today I feel pretty hopeful. Graves' disease is still here but I am slowly beating this disease everyday. I still feel stressed and anxious from time to time, and I still feel unloved and unappreciated from time to time. I still feel insecure. I’m still scared. I still feel like I give so much and receive nothing in return. I still feel like I feel too much and that I love too much. I still struggle every day. There’s still so much work to be done. Healing takes time. I may not completely heal from these traumas, but all I know is that it is getting better. I am getting better - one day at a time.
My number one goal for 2021 was to start this company and have a “successful” year. But since my diagnosis, that goal completely changed. Today health comes first, before anything else. I’m thankful for Graves’ disease for that wake up call. And I am truly thankful for my friends for checking in daily and for just being there for me every day. I don’t know where the hell I would be without them.
If you’re reading this, please know that you are not alone. If you’re feeling anxious or stressed or depressed or all these things at once, know that you are not sick. You are just going through something. You’re just having thoughts and emotions. Every emotion is valid. Notice, accept and welcome your feelings, and know that it will be okay. I keep repeating this to myself every night before I fall asleep: “it’s ok - it will be okay”, which is a way to comfort myself when there is no one else around. It will be very hard and challenging, but I also know that I will be okay. We will be okay.
You are not alone.
Click here to listen to my “mental health matters” playlist :)
- Virginie