"Dream Catcher", an open letter by Mandy McMillan
I am – quite literally – a soul of genuine love.
My name Mandy means “love” in Latin. I was born in June, whose flower is symbolized by the rose which represents love, and I am a Cancer sign which represents the “loving mother”. I live, breathe, sleep and create from a source of love.
In the past, I had found myself in difficult relationships because I wanted to prove that I was full of it and that I would never lazily give up on the meaning of love. Although what I have come to discover is that my greatest challenge is maintaining the love that I deserve for myself. My own self-love.
I was born to do music. I know this so much because there have been many times where I have tested the Universe’s will for me to pursue it. I have attempted other jobs, put more energy into a relationship than into my own passion, and ignored my initial intuition when I should have paid more attention to my own journey. Every time this has happened, I’ve been pulled back like a magnetic force where my world gets so shaken that the only thing left in that moment to bring me back to life is my love for music.
I moved from a small town in Alberta, Canada to Nashville, Tennessee nine years ago to pursue my dreams. All alone and wanting to throw myself into the big pond of Music City, I began the great journey that would bring me to this moment. So many ups and downs occurred. The gain and loss of friendships, jealousy, hate, being told I was great to then being told by the same person that I would never make it. I have performed with amazing artists on stages I had dreamt of, met amazing heroes of mine, signed a record deal, left that record deal. I have loved and lost and loved again, only to lose again.
Photo credit: Bethany Loanes
Three and a half years ago, I faced one of the biggest challenges that, in the end, would become one of the greatest mountains and stories of self-love that I would ever endure.
It started when I was rushed to the hospital after a writing session in Nashville for pains that we thought were caused from an appendix attack. After many tests and much to my surprise, the Doctor came into the room and blatantly told me that I was pregnant. Feelings of panic and fear then coincided with emotions of awe and it being a miracle. I had been told since my early years that the chances of me being able to have a child were very slim and in my “let’s put one foot in front of the other” way of thinking, I had come to terms with that fact that I would adopt when the time was right. In that moment, a painstaking miracle was happening and I was numb.
I anxiously called my boyfriend at the time who lived in Canada and told him the news. He was overjoyed and his prayers had been answered. After 10 years of us being on and off and him hoping for me to move back home to Canada to be with him, there was a light at the end of the tunnel for his fairytale. I hung up, saw my music career that I had worked so hard for flash before my eyes and 10 mins later the doctor came in again, only this time to tell me I was experiencing an ectopic pregnancy and there were more tests that needed to happen as these situations could be fatal. In that moment my beautiful friend that had rushed me to the hospital began researching on her phone as to what was happening and this time I saw my life flash before my eyes. In the matter of fifteen minutes my life had been turned upside down more than it had in the past ten years. I called my boyfriend again and I could feel his heart breaking and world shattering from across the continent.
To spare you all of the images and gory details, I will just tell you that my heart was in shambles. I was experiencing the most unimaginable pain not only physically but emotionally and mentally as well.
The next day I returned to the hospital for more tests and in a split-second decision, I was stripped of my clothes, put in a gown, handed release forms to sign, and rushed to the operating room for surgery to save my life. I woke up hours later to hear that the surgery went well, although they had to remove my fallopian tube due to damage. I was sent home with intense pain meds and told to allow myself to heal for the next ten days.
The easy part was over, but now the climb to healing had just begun. I was mostly alone in this battle with my family, boyfriend and close friends being in Canada and I am so incredibly grateful for my dear friend and roommate Carrie who had taken me to the hospital and sat beside me in the most trying time of my life.
My family didn’t know how to handle the news. From what I understood, shame fear, and guilt had all risen inside of them and this wasn’t a topic that they wanted to discuss. I don’t blame them for that and I can see now that not having that crutch made me have to stand up on my own, which would become my greatest strength, so in my eyes it was meant to be that way. My best friend from back home had just found out that she was pregnant with her first child at the exact same time, which made my situation too hard to discuss between the both of us. My boyfriend had been so heartbroken in realizing the destiny for our relationship that after a few harsh words, we decided it was best to end it and never speak again.
So, I sat in this place of hurt alone. It was a long battle within my own soul. I still played shows, although I numbed my emotions and the writer’s block was so intense with me not wanting to come to terms with what just happened that I just hid a lot of my feelings. I started to feel as though my story and the plan for my dreams had been shattered into a million pieces. How could someone whose life was such a mess really deserve to be at the top? I told myself that I didn’t deserve to be fully loved as I was broken. I allowed myself to fall into a relationship afterwards that allowed me to feel a shallow level of comfort. He didn’t want to talk about my situation and asked me to bury the pain for the sake of his ego. And I stayed because this is what I thought I deserved.
Exactly a year after my surgery and being swarmed by the emotions, I told myself enough was enough. I had let a year of my life go by to allow for the physical scars to be healed. It was time to work on the emotional and mental scars that were lingering beneath the surface. I turned to meditation and yoga practices to allow myself to go inward and begin to forgive myself. I did daily journaling, focused on my plant-based lifestyle and began repeating everyday what I was a grateful for. I owe a lot of this transformation to reaching out and talking with a life coach, which I highly encourage to those who feel trapped. With time, layers began stripping away and I could feel myself being reborn into this world with new perception and clarity. That’s not to say that there weren’t any bad days but the good started to take the lead in my life. Through this, I realized, now more than ever, that I deserve my dreams, that the climb up to the mountain top is all a part of the story. If I could heal these wounds, then I could emerge – loving myself and believing that I deserved everything my heart desired with life, love AND music.
After more time, I ended that relationship knowing that I would never again settle for mediocrity. If no one on the outside could raise me up and love me unconditionally, then I would make sure that the someone would be me! I started opening up about my challenges knowing that it would be tough. But I had a story to share and if I went through this, chances are there are more women out there that need lifting and I will be the one to show them the love that they need to power through.
On February 3rd, 2020, I publicly shared my story on social media. I cried, I laughed, I waited for the backlash, I stood my ground and then I went out and celebrated with friends who believed in my journey and my words. I felt on top of the world, that I had overcome my biggest obstacle so far. Now when I look at my scars, I don’t think hurt or broken. I think Powerful, Successful, Loving. With a little bit of time and grace, my family now reflects on my courage and growth. Their role in this helped me transform into the fiery and determined soul that I am today and I am grateful for that.
This is where the core of my song “Dream Catcher” came from:
“Everything her soul desires. One day she’ll set the world on fire”.
A song I had written had never felt more authentic to me! I deserve to live the life I dream, I deserve to achieve success, I deserve to love myself. I have worked hard to be where I am at and I want everyone who hears the words to feel the same!
The biggest lesson from all of this is Self-Love. No one on the outside can make you do or feel anything. You decide what is allowed to penetrate through your soul and affect you. And you decide what words and emotions you need to light the fire inside of you and go after what you want. And know that the biggest obstacles in your life will turn out to be the greatest gifts of self-discovery.
Dream, Believe and Achieve.
Chase your desires because you deserve to! Spread love to those around you unconditionally but most of all, have grace and compassion for your soul because you are the one who holds the key to your own SELF LOVE.
Now go out there and catch that dream ;)
In the meantime, take a listen to my new single “Dream Catcher”. I hope that it will ignite the flame within you to achieve your wildest dreams and know that you are worthy of everything you hope for in life!
- Mandy