An Open Letter To Body Dysmorphia From A Guys Perspective
My body issues are my best kept secret. Forever present in my mind but never aloud to surface. I know most people assume I’m very confident because of how I carry myself. That makes it even worse because I know how I really feel when I look in the mirror. It’s a lie. There’s never a moment I’m not aware of it. Never.
It actually doesn’t matter. I’ve lost the weight before. I remember going through an anorexic phase and getting down to 75 pounds when I was 13. Looking at pictures, I was a skeleton. I was WAY TOO skinny and even then, I saw nothing but flaws. I was then worried about my leftover “love handles.” I feel for that 13 year old kid. I still feel him here with me today.
As we speak, I’m probably in the best shape of my life. Internally though, it feels like nothing has changed. That was the craziest realization. Understanding that losing weight won’t fix this. I still look in the mirror and get hit with waves of shame. I still hate the way my clothes fit and can’t help but wonder if the way I’m sitting is making me look fat. I still feel like I'll be judged as weak for telling the truth about this and that I’ll be embarrassing myself.
Now that I’m actually facing my fears and speaking about this publicly, it’s kind of crazy to me how powerful the hold my body issues have on me. “Don’t Love Myself” was made to help other people like me, but there’s also an aspect about releasing this song that’s for my own healing. This is one of the darkest parts of me that I’ve never been willing to show anyone. Forcing myself to post Tiktoks with my shirt off is almost like a middle finger to my own issues. I might feel this way internally, but I’m not letting it control me anymore. I’ve been a bit of a wreck as I’ve been putting out these deeply vulnerable videos, but I’ve stuck to it anyway. It feels right and I think it’s changing me.
I wasn’t sure what my point was when I began writing this letter. I guess to sum it up, healing might not look exactly like you think it does, but it’s definitely possible. Maybe we don’t ever fully get rid of these thoughts. I’m starting to see that for me, healing comes from staring those feelings right in the face and saying I’m going to love myself today regardless.
Take it from me. Not because I’m any stronger, more knowledgeable, or further along in the process than you. Not because I’m healed. Take it from me because I’ve spent way too much of my life obsessing about this and letting it dim my light. I don’t want that for you. There is no ideal body you will get to that will fix it. There is no additional worth to attain. You deserve better and so do I.