"ADDICTED", an open letter by Patricia Patrón (from KOPPS)
Photo credit: Dannie Marsella
ADDICTED. Yes, I would call my relationship with certain aspects of music nothing short of an addiction. The sights, the smells, the sounds (obviously), and the feelings of stepping onto the stage are enough to send my body into an adrenaline rush so strong that it will quite literally push me to the brink of total exhaustion to be able to get my next fix. If that isn't an addiction, I'm not sure what it is. This is the relationship I've realized I have with live performance, and the pandemic only strengthened this, as I was in a state of "withdrawal" during that time that was very apparent; AKA...Depressed.
It wasn't always this way, though. As a tot, my parents were both professional musicians making a living performing. I grew up seeing live shows from the time I was conscious, often in smaller club environments. They were both what I would describe as "monster" performers. Complete maniacs on stage; they were physical, skilled, and unyielding. At home, music and instruments were always "around" and most notably, musical pursuits were always prioritized over all else. I remember my dad coming into my room to say goodnight to me once when I was maybe 5, saying, "Ok Tricia, I'm going to the Big Apple for a while, I'll be back soon." I remember feeling kind of sad that my dad was leaving ME to enter this mystical gigantic Apple a la "James And The Giant Peach," but I figured whatever was there must be pretty cool if he was going to be gone for so long. It wasn't until I was older that I understood what awaited him.
Knowing inherently from the time I was conscious that singing was "easy" or that I might be better than an average person at it was something that I also recognized as basically a baby without anyone clueing me in, which I now find kind of strange. I remember belting out Four Non Blondes "What's Going On" alone in my bedroom with a vigor that a four-year-old shouldn't really be equipped with yet and thinking, "Hey, this feels really good and I sound pretty good!" BUT ALAS, when it came to sharing this with other people, I was absolutely petrified, mortified, and inconceivably unwilling for many years until I was probably 17, and even at that time, I was a huge baby about it. I was a quiet, shy child, opposing how I am as an adult today. I hid my musical abilities completely from everyone in my life growing up, though I was absolutely infatuated with listening to music and singing privately whenever I could. As a student of the "greats," I would listen to Mariah Carey, Whitney Houston, Christina Aguilera, Gloria Estefan, Aretha Franklin, Prince, etc., etc., etc. on absolute repeat, memorizing every lick and turn of phrase, every breath, and pronunciation until I was like a parrot when imitating them. I was also a huge rock/hip-hop fan into my adolescence, listening with an equal obsession to bands like Green Day, Fiona Apple, No Doubt, Korn, DMX, & so on. Anything with performative/sonic intensity was really appealing to me and still is. Eventually, my mom found a recorded tape that I made of myself singing when I was around 14, and absolutely flipped out over it, confirming that I had natural ability even though at that time I didn't understand how to belt yet.
I was a fan of "writing" and wrote a lot of poetry and other informal musings from the time I was a child as well, which would ultimately come in handy later on when I began writing original music (and doing things like this ;-) I didn't ever engage in formal music training and the only music I did in school was percussion in the middle school band until the 8th grade. When I was a senior, I tried out to perform as the vocalist for the Jazz band's spring performances, which I was chosen for. The long-time vocal students were upset.
I was in various original "garage bands" etc. when I started to shake my crippling stage fright, but it was a long road to this not impacting my vocals (my fear used to cause my voice to shake.) I was incredibly fortunate to finally find my music "people" shortly after high school, who I ironically went to high school with all four years/some of whom went on to form major indie rock band *Joywave.* My high schoolmate Kyle O. formed KOPPS and worked with Daniel Armbruster to develop the original sound of our first EP release, "F*CK JAMS" (inspired by Jock Jams). I almost solely credit my early obsession with pop music for guiding my eventual move to writing originals with a pop sensibility in mind, which has always been at the core of KOPPS, even at our absolute weirdest. My melodic instincts are influenced by whatever was etched into my brain circuitry early on, and I thank the universe that I spent so much of my time as simply an enamored listener, and not a music school kid, which might have pushed me in a more complex direction that doesn't always lend itself to writing pop songs.
KOPPS being born was an immediate segue into an early version of my performance style that I didn't really plan out. Our first ever show was at The Bug Jar in Rochester, NY, Kyle O. & I donned fully early 90s-inspired tracksuits on stage when it was NOT ironic or cool to do so. I remember playing to a room of just a few people, the music starting, and breaking into dance immediately while belting vocals. It was the first time ever that I didn't just "stand there and sing," and it was completely unplanned, unconsidered, and improvised. I don't know where it came from, but I think it was a culmination of the music itself and fulfilling my family lineage of acting like a completely wild animal on stage. Somehow my subconscious wanted to fulfill that destiny, I think. Since then, I've spent about a decade honing the craft with lots of ups and downs, bad performances, injuries, some things hott and some things NOTT that have helped me to shape into my final form as a performer and choreographer of the band. I am so comfortable with being on stage and being super physical during shows at this point that I think I would almost sound worse if I "just stood there and sang" KOPPS songs. Everything is connected now internally between my body and brain, and with that, I feel a rush and reward so intense as I perform and interact with fans without fear that I feel my life would be incomplete if I were to let this part of it go. I love the give and take from the audience to the stage and how symbiotic and special those moments are between us. I feel absolute joy and freedom even as I sometimes strain to breathe through the next phrase while simultaneously head-banging!
I count myself incredibly lucky to have fallen in with the right talented people doing the right things in my city, who believed in me enough to have fun making music with me early on because I really don't know what my musical life would be like otherwise. I don't always believe in fate but I think my musical journey has been really serendipitous in a lot of ways and has led me all over the country to do things other people never get to. Now I can fully understand why my dad really wanted to get to that big a$$ apple ;-)