i'm tired but i'm okay now :)

This felt like one of the hardest weeks of my life. 

Last Thursday, we learned that my aunt only had a few days to live. She passed away last Sunday. I felt extremely sad, and it made me think about life, about death, about my family, about my friends... Death scares the shit out of me. I've always been scared of it. I'm afraid of losing people I love, and I'm afraid of my own death. I know I need to accept the fact that we will all have to leave this earth at some point. It's just really hard for me to accept. It makes me anxious almost every night. 

Learning about my aunt's death was really hard for me. I thought of her children - my cousins. I thought of my dad who lost his sister. My empathy got even stronger and it made me feel even more sad. 

Stress and anxiety took a lot of space this week. I cried a lot. I felt overwhelmed by so many emotions and I was just emotionally tired. There was a point where I just wondered why I had to go through this. Life felt even more stressful and challenging than usual, and people decided to be complete assholes. My sister made me feel like I didn't exist, and that was very painful. Feeling alone and unloved and invisible are feelings I know too well. Those are some of the worst feelings ever. She’s always made me feel like shit, she’s good at it (we don’t have the best sibling relationship and she’s one of the reasons why stress and anxiety have been so present in my life), but I honestly didn’t need this. Going through grief, fighting my own demons and dealing with toxic people at the same time was one of the hardest things I've ever had to overcome. It was almost too much for me to handle - everything was a fucking struggle. I honestly can't believe I made it through. I am truly thankful for my friends who have been there for me during this time 😭

This is all part of life. Death is sadly something we have to go through. I am still learning how to deal with all these emotions and I am still trying to heal from my personal traumas. It's a never ending process. I’m tired, but I’m okay now :)

A few things to remember here: Life is short. We need to love more. Don’t let toxic people bring you down.

Writing about all these things still made me emotional, but I just needed to write it all down. Thank you for reading this and sorry if this was too dark/deep :)

-Virginie