Jack's open letter
Photo credit: Jett Solana
Dear Mental Health,
You are the cause of many of my darkest thoughts and deepest insecurities. The kind of thoughts that I’ve had sword fights with for months on end. My latest single, “Who Is This Person?” was inspired by these dark thoughts and feelings that often took control over my body, my mind, and my time. In October 2020, I wrote in my journal “I’m not comfortable in my skin, you may think I’m fine but it’s been awhile since I didn’t have to rely on my therapist. Who is this person?”. Along with these lyrics that ended up becoming the song’s chorus, I wrote some lines that didn’t make the final cut. “Maybe I deserve it, but I can’t seem to cope well. I know I’m always learning but there’s nothing that I know well if I don’t know myself.” These pages of my journal became a sanctuary for my deepest and darkest thoughts at the time, providing me with a safe place to not withhold any detail.
As those lyrics mention, I truly felt lost at that time in my life, as if I didn’t know myself at all. For so long I let other people control who I was although this wasn’t necessarily anybody’s fault but my own. I didn’t feel like I had my own identity which led me to alter my personality and the way that I looked for those around me. The second verse of “Who Is This Person?” tackles the topic of body image, painting a picture of a time in my life where I felt as if I had to physically change in order for people to like me, especially romantically. I put these feelings into words by saying “Why did I want to be skin and bones cuz soon all that’d be left of me is those. I don’t know why I ever let people change me cuz I’ve never been your clay to mold.” Telling my story, even in a few words, was nerve-racking although it felt important to do so. In my songwriting, I try my best not to hold back. I like to always write exactly how I’m feeling and then if I really don’t want to share certain parts of it later, I can always change the lyrics. Personally, I connect most with raw and honest music that tells a story. My hope is that eventually my music can be something that a lot of people feel they can connect with and find comfort in.
I remember the day that I finished writing “Who Is This Person?”. It was raining, which is rare in Los Angeles. I wrote “I’m lying in bed, can’t get up. Why do I always fall back to square one?” as my pen began to move quickly in my journal. I immediately wrote and recorded a version of the song which I sent to my producer. You could hear the rain pouring in the background. The rain and thunder samples at the beginning of the song were the last elements that we added. I wanted the rain to set the mood for the rest of the song, reminding me of that specific day when I was finishing writing the lyrics. Shortly after writing the song, I wrote a music video treatment for it. I wanted the video to keep the original meaning of the song while adding other elements that showcase who I am. The video not only shows a person who is struggling, but someone who has a background in theatre and performance.
There is a part of the video where there are two versions of myself faced with two different doors. One door has the Comedy mask of theatre on it and one has the Tragedy mask of theatre on it. This is an ode to my performance roots and love for theatre. We also used blue lighting on one side and orange/red lighting on the other side to showcase the differing emotions on each side. These two versions of myself represent the fiery side of me that is extremely hard on myself and self deprecating. The other version is the sad and hopeless version of myself that is consumed by the negative thoughts in my head. This scene is a metaphor, showcasing the fact that neither side of myself can ever get through the door to make amends with each other.
The music video, directed by Blake English of Two Seas Media, was a passion project of mine that was nine months in the making. I wanted the video to be thematically cohesive with the song itself while also introducing some additional elements that represent me as a person and an artist. We played around with concepts from Alice In Wonderland and American Horror Story as well as taking inspiration from some of Blake’s favorite directors and cinematographers. We had meetings to discuss ideas and concepts and ultimately landed on telling the story of someone who is in emotional distress. This song conveys many different emotions besides sadness. There are also elements of anger, desperation, confusion, and exhaustion.
My goal was to express these many emotions within my performance throughout the video. There’s a scene towards the end of the video where I’m performing in front of what is supposed to be an audience. At first I’m very hesitant and feelings of insecurity are coming over me. Eventually I gain confidence and strength which allows me to perform with energy and conviction. This is a metaphor for the lack of confidence I once had in performing arts due to the disapproval of directors and people with power quickly writing me off as a performer. This is a turning point in the video because although there isn’t a lyrical resolution, I am finding ways to cope and find inner strength. When the curtains close at the end of the video, it is revealed that the person in the audience was me all along. The importance of this is that I was able to rewatch those times in my life where I’ve struggled with my mental health. The video ending with my current self in the audience is a way of exhibiting my growth.
Creating a song about some of the worst times in my life has ultimately been the cause of some of the best moments in my life. I remember playing the song for my therapist for the first time which felt like a full circle moment. That line of the song where I mention my therapist felt very personal and held a lot of weight. Seeing her reaction to “Who Is This Person?” was the most meaningful reaction to me because, when it comes to my struggles with mental health, she knows me better than anyone. It brought tears to her eyes. Reactions like this have given me even more strength to tell my story and hopefully help others along the way. Writing and performing are some of the best forms of therapy for me and the making of this song is no exception. I finally feel as though I have the tools to control my own mental health through creation. I hope that others can find a creative outlet to express these emotions the way that I have been able to.
Love,
Jack Drinker