An open letter by Brandyn Killz
Photo credit: Karina Broden
If You’re Gonna Be Your Worst Critic, You Also Have To Be Your #1 Fan
Growing up, I was the kid that chose the radio over video games. If it had anything to do with music, I was in! That meant church choir, school plays, DIY concerts in my backyard, etc. I was also a chatterbox. I’d talk to anyone who would listen.
I’ve always had a higher pitched voice. Once middle school came around, I was often reminded and teased about it. It started with my voice, and soon after, I was bashed with every kind of gay slur my classmates could imagine. Then I launched myself into sports, and luckily, I was a decent athlete. Sports gave me something beyond the bullying to focus on and a persona to hide behind. The “locker room culture” disgusted me though, so making connections was still really tough for me, and I continued to allow the fear of being bullied silence my voice. Music was put on the back burner.
I’m a mid-kid (middle child). Besides life, it’s the greatest gift my parents have ever given me. My brothers were my escape. They always accepted me. They played silly games with me, made me laugh and teased me out of love. Coupled with some amazing teachers and coaches, a few loving besties, and my brothers, my teenage school experience went from bearable to slightly enjoyable. But college was when I hit my stride. As I grew up and started living life on my own, something about being surrounded by strangers made it a lot easier to take a few risks and discover who I was.
Music became my best friend. I dove head first into so many aspects, including singing, songwriting, production and dance. Falling in love with music again brought back so much purpose to my life. I toured as a backup dancer. I became a ghostwriter. Eventually, I even decided to become an artist, which meant that I would be able to tell my own story with my own voice. No more hiding. It also occurred to me that if I was going to put myself out there like that-if I was to be my own worst critic-I also had to be my own #1 fan. That way, nothing anyone else said could shake my confidence.
It’s all about balance. Perfection is imperfection. Be kind to yourself and be proud of your best efforts.
I think it takes finding your purpose to discover who you are. That’s a really tough gig when you’re young and you feel like you can’t fully express yourself. Know that It DOES get better, and the sad reality is that you’ll develop tougher skin as a result, so USE it. That tough skin will get you through anything-both the best and the worst of life. Maintain balance. Devote your energy to positivity. Find your purpose. Give it all you’ve got. Live in your happy place. Love yourself a little harder. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Smile everyday. You got this!
- Brandyn