Birthdays

Every birthday is a struggle for me. I always get excited but I also get super sad and anxious. 

I have a history of bad birthdays and today I feel like I always try to force things because I want to have THE perfect day and I want the whole world to know my birthday is coming. I want all the attention on me because it's the only day I can feel special.

The truth is that I start feeling 'depressed' and 'sad' every time this day approaches. I start over-analyzing, I overthink, I get anxious and I think about all the things I didn't do. But most of all, I start thinking about how this birthday is going to be the worst day, and how people are going to be mean to me or how they're going to simply forget about this day. And I had pretty good birthdays. But I always had this feeling of numbness, almost like none of it was real. Like, how is it even possible to have ‘good’ birthdays?

I'll tell you one story that still haunts me. I was turning 22 or 23, I don't quite remember the age... But I woke up feeling excited and happy about my birthday. But then everything fell apart. My dad told my sister I wasn't doing anything with my life and that I was useless (I was in the same room). I remember running to my bedroom and cried. My sister came in the room, I held my tears, then locked the door and cried again. After lunch, my sister told our older sister to buy a cake for my birthday, and she did. But she only bought two pieces of cake, but there were for my 2 nephews. And she said 'there's some left'. There was nothing left but crumbs.

It could have been worse, I know. Some people go through worse. 

I never felt some real love from my family (and I know they love me, in their own way). I grew up feeling unloved and stupid. That day reminded me all that. You know, it's your birthday, we’re supposed to celebrate you and people decide to make you feel like you’re nothing. I remember thinking they wished I wasn't born. 

The memory of this bad birthday comes back every year. I can't escape it. But it’s my job to not make it hard on me. It’s my job to believe that this day won’t happen again. These childhood scars are deep, I am still trying to heal. It’s taking a lot of time, but it’s healing, slowly.

This healing process has taught me a lot about me and my life and I am grateful for all the things that happened, good and bad. It made me who I am today. I’m on the right path. I am hopeful, and I am proud of the person I am today.

Looking back at my younger self in this photo, I want to tell this young girl this: ‘you are going to be okay. You are loved. You are smart. You are beautiful. You are enough. You are stronger than you know. You will go through a lot of difficult times but you will ALWAYS make it. You are not alone. I love you’.

Love,

Virginie