... Until now.
It took me a minute to write about this. I guess I wasn’t ready yet.
In 2021 I got diagnosed with Graves’ disease, an auto-immune disease that creates hyperthyroidism.
“It is not a big deal”, “it is not severe”, “it could be worse”. This is what they would tell me. But my world collapsed - not because I was diagnosed with this specific disease but because it made me realize that I was weak. Even if it’s not true at all, this is how I felt: fragile. I’ve seen my parents getting sick for most of my life, I’ve always had compassion but I never knew what it felt to not be in complete control of your own mind and your own body, until today. You can’t fully understand what the other person is going through unless you experience it.
“Some people are going through worse”, “it’s not cancer”, “stop complaining”. This is what I would tell myself. I believed my emotions were not valid. I felt like I wasn’t allowed to complain or to feel anything at all. I felt guilty, and I still feel guilty at times.. So I stayed quiet and kept my emotions inside. I pretended everything was okay - I’ve always been good at pretending. I hid my pain behind fake smiles and jokes.
After being diagnosed, I started working on myself - on my mental and physical health. Breathing exercises, healthier lifestyle, yoga, meditation… I was doing pretty good, it almost made me forget I was sick. But every time I would do a blood test, I’d remember. I’d feel heart palpitations from time to time and then I’d remember. For two years, I did my best to take care of myself with all the new tools I had in my hands. But it wasn’t enough.
It hit me right back in the face. Despite having a daily medication, I started having symptoms. It’s all new to me. I never really had symptoms in the past. But today is different: heart palpitations, depression and trouble sleeping. I feel like I can burst into tears at any moment.
I always managed to get everything under control, until now. It makes me sad, frustrated and angry. I’ve been feeling all these symptoms for almost 3 weeks. I’m still taking my medication. I stopped drinking my favorite drinks: tea and matcha latte. I stopped eating dark chocolate. All these things didn’t have any impact on me but caffeine is not allowed in my system anymore. I was only taking one cup of tea per day. But I can’t do it anymore. How frustrating. But this is my life right now.
I take my time. I take long deep breaths. I still take the time to do some yoga. I started doing some thyroid exercises. I’m taking magnesium every day. I’m probably going to need gemmotherapy again.
I am trying to stay positive but I am having a hard time. It deeply affects my mental health.
But I am not giving up on myself because there’s still that hopeful voice inside of me that says “you’re going to fight this and you’re going to be okay”, “you have to stay strong and positive”.
I am not going to lie though, I am going through one of the hardest moments of my life.
It’s a fight I have to fight on my own. No one really knows how I’m feeling inside and it’s hard to explain. I stay vague and I don’t go into details when I talk to people because every time I do, they get confused or they don’t really care. It’s an invisible disease and it’s harder for people to understand. Some people may think it’s psychological. Some think it’s not a big deal. And some actually understand and they take the time to check on you.
Being sick is lonely, and that’s the hardest part. That’s what makes me cry at night.
As I am typing this, I feel sad, lonely and depressed. Sometimes it feels like nothing is going right. That’s part of life. But the positive side is that nothing else seems to impact me. Every other little issue doesn’t seem important at all. Health comes first. My emotions are valid. I shouldn’t be guilty for feeling depressed.
I promised myself to always have this hopeful light inside of me. I still want to smile and laugh. I still want to do what I love. I still want to discover new music every day and be an entrepreneur. I still want to live.
It will take some time but I know I will be okay.
-Virginie
PS: Seeing my doctor in two weeks. Cannot wait. But for now, I’m on my own 💪🏻💪🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻